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Our Chevrah Kaddisha (Holy Society) was established early in Emanuel Synagogue's history to assist members of the congregation at the difficult time of death. Its laws and procedures, which apply equally to men and women, reflect the Jewish traditions of respect and dignity for the deceased and consolation of the mourners.
The members of our Chevrah Kaddisha are all volunteers and perform their duties without any personal or private gain. Their services (described below) are available to any Jewish person. In Oklahoma City, this includes not only members of Emanuel Synagogue, but of Temple B'nai Israel, Chabad, and Hillel.
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The first thing to do in the event of a death, after notifying the civil authorities (by calling the police, the coroner, or 911), is to call Rabbi Jacobson at (405) 600-0736 or (405) 528-2113 ext. 302. She is available to guide you in making your arrangements, to advise you on all aspects of Jewish law and philosophy pertaining to death and mourning, and to address the ethical dilemmas that you may encounter. If the Rabbi is not available, please call the synagogue office at (405) 528-2113, or Bob Weiss, head of the Chevrah Kaddisha, to alert them that burial services will be needed.
The next step is to contact the funeral home. Our Chevrah Kaddisha has an arrangement for traditional coffins and services with:
Hahn-Cook-Street & Draper Funeral Home
6006 NW Grand Boulevard
Oklahoma City, OK 73118
(405) 848-3744
Their staff is very experienced in conducting Jewish funerals and will help you with many of the details, including arrangements for bringing the deceased to their facilities and coordination with the Chevrah Kaddisha, the cemetery, and the Rabbi. Note that a body prepared in the traditional Jewish manner is never embalmed and is buried in a plain coffin (see the Aron section below as a guide for selecting the coffin).
Two overriding principles govern the Jewish approach to death and mourning. The first is Kavod Ha-Met (Honoring the Dead). It is of the utmost importance to treat the body with respect and care from the time of death until the burial is completed. The second is the view that death is a Natural Process: Death is considered a natural part of the life cycle and the body is returned to the earth whence it came. Hence everything associated with the body for burial is that which will decompose with the body, facilitating its return "from ashes to ashes, dust to dust."
After the body has been brought to the funeral home, members of our Chevrah Kaddisha will come and prepare it for burial following Jewish tradition. (Note that, while our members receive no payment, they may be due reimbursement for expenses if out-of-town travel is necessary, and the funeral home may charge for the use of supplies, equipment, and staff time.)
Our Chevrah Kaddisha can perform the following types of services:
1. TAHARAH - Performing the taharah (purification of the body) and dressing the deceased in tachrichim (shrouds) by members trained to perform these duties.
2. SHMIRAH - Watching over the body until burial by one or more volunteer shomrim (guardians).
3. SE'UDAT HAVRA'AH - Delivering the traditional condolence meal to the house of mourning after the funeral.
4. SHIVAH - Ensuring that there is a minyan in the house of mourning for daily services during the prescribed first week of mourning. The Chevrah Kaddisha can also provide siddurim, kipot, tallitot, and mourners' low chairs as needed.
For a broad overview of Conservative Jewish thought concerning funerals and mourning, see the Guide to Jewish Funeral Practice of the United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism (USCJ). Below are more details about the above Hebrew terms and other related topics. Please note that all single-gender references are meant to apply equally to both men and women.
TAHARAH - Purification
Only individuals of the same gender as the deceased perform the taharah. Before the funeral, the met (body of the deceased) is washed and ritually purified, so that, in a symbolic way, he leaves the world in the same condition as he entered it. The members of the Chevrah Kaddisha who perform this mitzvah are trained in the proper procedures to be followed and perform their duties with utmost concern and respect for preserving the dignity and honor of the deceased. In addition to physically cleansing the body, they recite prayers for the deceased.
For more information about the steps involved in the taharah, see Preparing the Body on the Jewish Funerals website.
TACHRICHIM - Shrouds
The body of the deceased is not altered with cosmetics, and is never embalmed because that would impede its return to nature. In a Jewish tradition over 2,000 years old, the body is dressed simply in plain white linen or cotton garments to emphasize that, whether rich or poor, we are all equal before God. Some people are buried in their tallit; when this is done, one or more tzitzit are cut off to signify that the tallit can no longer be used for prayer.
Following the taharah and dressing in tachrichim, the deceased is placed in the coffin, which is then closed and remains closed. Putting him on display would be considered disrespectful to both the deceased and the Chevrah Kaddisha that prepared him, so there is no "viewing" of the body.
ARON - Coffin
Jewish law requires that the body be allowed to return to the earth as speedily as possible, so the coffin should be made entirely of wood (no metal hardware), with a few holes in the bottom to hasten the body's natural decomposition. In keeping with the concept of equality in death, the most appropriate choice is the simplest plain wooden coffin. You should feel comfortable expressing your preference for this type of coffin when you make funeral arrangements.
SHMIRAH - Watching Over the Body
In Jewish tradition, it is important as a sign of respect for a shomer (guardian) to stay with the deceased until the time of burial. The shomrim may rotate, but the body should never be left alone. Traditionally, the shomer sits beside the coffin and recites from the Book of Psalms. Either men or women may be shomrim regardless of the gender of the deceased. When necessary, our Chevrah Kaddisha can help arrange for volunteers to perform this service.
LEVAYAH - Funeral Service
The funeral service may be held in the funeral home chapel, in the synagogue, or at the gravesite. The service is usually brief and simple and includes the chanting of psalms and Eyl Malei Rahamim (the traditional memorial prayer), and a hesped (eulogy) honoring the deceased. Floral displays and instrumental music are considered inappropriate at Jewish funerals.
PALL and PALLBEARERS
Emanuel Synagogue provides an embroidered cloth cover (pall) to be placed over the coffin during the funeral service. To help carry the coffin to the gravesite, it is customary for the family to name 6 to 8 people who are not the immediate mourners but who were close to the deceased to serve as pallbearers. Honorary pallbearers may also be designated.
K'VURAH - Burial
Jewish law requires burial in the earth as soon as possible after death so that the body can immediately begin its return to nature. Embalming, cremation, and above-ground burial in a mausoleum are contrary to Jewish law and equivalent to leaving the body unburied, a matter of great discourtesy and irreverence. Ideally, burial should take place within 24 hours of death, but may be delayed for good reasons such as to permit out-of-town relatives to attend or avoid a funeral on Shabbat or another Holy Day.
In a traditional burial, the coffin is lowered into the ground and the grave filled with earth by those in attendance. Sharing the task of filling the grave is considered a privilege and duty, and a way of saying a last goodbye to the deceased. Afterwards, a short service including Kaddish is recited. Then it is customary for the mourners to pass between two rows of the others in attendance to receive traditional expressions of consolation. After attending a burial, it is also traditional to wash one's hands after leaving the cemetery, as an affirmation of life after involvement with death.
WHO IS A MOURNER?
In Jewish law the term "mourner" has a special meaning. Mourners (avelim) are not simply those who grieve for the dead; they are specifically the parents, spouse, children, and siblings of the deceased. Traditionally, mourners are obligated to perform certain formal rituals and to receive formalized consolation from non-mourners. (In special circumstances, such as when none of the designated relatives are available to conduct funeral and mourning rites, consult the Rabbi for guidance on how to proceed.)
K'RIAH - Rending of Garment
Mourners for parents, spouses, children, and siblings traditionally participate in the ancient rite of k'riah (rending of garments). In its older form, this consists of tearing a visible portion of one's clothing (wearing old clothes is acceptable), and then continuing to wear the torn garment throughout the mourning period except on Shabbat. In its newer form, the custom is preserved by pinning a black ribbon to the mourners' clothing (over the heart for parents of the deceased, on the right side for other mourners) and permitting them to cut or tear the ribbon. A benediction is recited at the time the k'riah is made, usually just before the funeral service in the company of the rabbi or officiant.
SE'UDAT HAVRA'AH - Meal of Condolence
This is the first meal the mourners eat upon their return from the cemetery. Traditionally it is meatless but includes hard-boiled eggs and other round foods such as lentils to symbolize the continuous circle of life. At Emanuel this meal is brought to the house of mourning by members of our Chevrah Kaddisha.
SHIVAH - The First Week of Mourning
Shivah means seven, the number of days in the first stage of mourning, which begins with the day of burial. During shivah, the mourners stay together at the home of the deceased or at the home of a mourner, cut off from the normal routine of their lives, which death has interrupted. They abstain from their normal activities and accept visitors who come to offer consolation. Mourners should not act as hosts during shivah; this is the time for the community to comfort them. Traditionally, mirrors are covered in the shivah house and the mourners wear slippers, sit on special low chairs, and refrain from personal grooming, wearing new clothes, or conjugal relations. In memory of the deceased, a special candle (usually supplied by the funeral home) remains lit for the period of the shivah.
MINYAN and KADDISH
Daily services with a minyan are held in the house of mourning during the shivah period so that the mourners may recite kaddish, demonstrating respect and honor for the deceased. It is an obligation and privilege for members of the congregation to be part of the minyan in the house of mourning (without it, the mourners would have to attend the minyan at the synagogue). Our Chevrah Kaddisha coordinates condolence visits to ensure a minyan at least once a day.
NICHUM AVEILIM - Comforting the Mourners
It is an important mitzvah to visit the house of mourning during shivah (except on Shabbat), even when we do not know the mourners personally. The people sitting shivah are members of our congregation and need our encouragement and support during their time of heartache and pain. One should not feel compelled to maintain a constant flow of conversation; the most appropriate topic of conversation is the deceased and his or her life. A visit should not be unduly long, and is not the time for general socializing.
When you conclude your visit, Jewish tradition offers a phrase to be spoken to each mourner: "May God comfort you together with all the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem." The original Hebrew is : Ha-makom y'nakhem etkhem b'tokh sh'ar avelei Tziyon Virushalayim. The phrase reaffirms the connection of each Jew to Klal Yisrael, all the people of Israel, as it extends a hand of comfort to the mourner.
TZEDAKAH - Charity
Jewish tradition discourages sending flowers on the occasion of a death. Tzedakah (righteous giving) is preferred as a way of paying a meaningful and enduring tribute to the deceased. Making a contribution in the name of the deceased to the synagogue or some other worthy organization, school, hospital, or other charity, especially one in which the deceased had an interest, is a sign of respect and praise and is an effective, positive way to keep his or her memory alive.
MOURNING AFTER SHIVAH
Kaddish is recited for a month after burial (11 months for a parent). The involvement of our Chevrah Kaddisha ends with shivah, but the obligations of mourners continue, through shloshim (the first 30 days after burial), the first year, and beyond. A number of websites offer useful summaries of mourners' obligations and lists for further reading, including:
There are many individual issues and special concerns that have not been touched on here. We urge you to discuss these matters with the Rabbi.
A wealth of websites, books, and articles are available for further reading on Jewish death, funeral, and mourning traditions. A great deal of information can be found by following the links on the Jewish Funerals website, and their Core Library Books About Jewish Aspects of Death and Dying is an excellent list of recommended books.
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